Dear Kahlua
In August I got in a bit of a rumble tumble with a nasty black cat who got in my face. Although I am a tough guy I still wound up with a fairly serious wound costing my mom $400 in vet bills. I had to wear a silly collar for a week, it was so embarrassing! Anyway, a few months later the black cat decided to show his face again and being the tough brave cat that I am, I couldn’t back down. I fought and ended up with another wound costing my mom another seventy seven dollars. The vet told my mom that I don’t know how to defend myself (the nerve!) and have to be kept indoors (otherwise she will risk going broke from vet bills). Why should I be punished for sticking up for myself and protecting our territory? This transition has NOT been fun for me or my mom. The woman won’t let me out and whenever I get close to the door to make my big break she sprays me with water. I whine and cry trying to make life miserable for her and therefore persuade her to give me back my freedom. My meows seem to succeed in annoying her (especially at three in the morning) but she still won’t let me out. She tells me it is for my own good and she is trying to protect me. I haven’t been out in the wide wide world in over a month and it is driving me crazy. I enviously stare out the window at all the other neighbor cats who have the freedom to go where they please. How can I get my mom to trust that I won’t get in another fight if she lets me go outside again? Should I just accept that I will never go out again and quit bothering my mom and try to just enjoy life as an indoor cat?
PLEASE HELP!!!!!
Sincerely,
Kahlua
(It’s a great name, isn’t it?)

Hi Kahlua. This is a tricky one because you will be much safer indoors, but it's horrid not being allowed to go outside. Myself and my furry housemates are also not allowed outdoors but our human mum and dad knew that we needed fresh air so they bought some great big wire things and they built them onto the back of the house. One of the back doors is now left open all day long and we can go out into our "cat run" as the human mum calls it. It's very large and we really enjoy it. It's still not the same as true freedom but it's better than staying only in the house. Of course the hard part will be telling your mum that is what she needs to do because humans are idiots and can not speak our language. Next time she is on the computer and looking at cat things, you need to stand on the keyboard and take her to a web site that sells these sorts of things and then she might get the picture, although it could take a while as they are quite slow. Your other option would be that as soon as she opened the back door you could dart out behind her legs, run out the door, and stay in the garden, make her chase you around the garden (she'll never catch you) and do this on a daily basis. She may then realise that you like to be outside and it might occur to her to have to build you a run. You should also point out to her that it is HER responsibility to find the human that provides for the nasty black cat and get her to tell them that he should not be in your yard starting fights.

Dear Kahlua
M y name is serabi and im four months old.i have a little problem,and as im not very experienced i strongly need your advice!my mum keeps calling me a naughty boy when i climb on her plate and take her food.why cant i have hers i dont like what she gives me,dont you think shes making me second best.i know that the dog gets some of hers,who do they think they are.i also like to help myself to the food in the cupboard,why does she say im naughty.im deeply concerned and need your help badly,do you think i should make her leave,i could then do what i want.she is usefull at times when i feel like a hug(dont tell others that tho pls).i hope you can help.she also says that im getting a big belly!the cheek of that!
Serabi

Dear Serabi. It's way too early to even think about removing mum from the home. You're only 4 months old and you need to realise that humans are quite stupid and it can sometimes take months, even years to train them!!! You already have an advantage in that being a kitten still, your claws will be incredibly fine and therefore extremely sharp. However, you should maybe try the "guilt" approach first. What you need to do is to stop eating any food she gives you. Then, when she is eating her good food, you should just sit there and look up at her with sorrowful eyes. This, combined with the fact that she will be very worried as you are no longer eating your own food this will make her give you her food! It works every time. The minute you stop eating, they go really mad with worry and will give you whatever food your little heart desires. Hope that helps.

Mr Cassius from Cambridge writes: Dear Kahlua,
I thought it was time I wrote to you again for some advice. You will never guess what my Mum is up to now...... she only thinks she can leave me whenever it suits her at this awful place that she dumped me at recently. First of all I thought I was going to the vet, but instead we arrived at a peculiar venue that was literally full of crazy cats in cages. I was horrified, especially when this strange lady kept saying that I would be fine. After my Mum had cleared off to indulge herself in a "little break" as she called it, the strange lady came and talked to me, but I refused to look at her. Once she had locked me in my horrid cage, I noticed there was a bowl of food and when I knew she wasn't looking I tasted some. I detected a litter tray, and I vowed not to use it unless I was desperate; then if Mum rang up she would be worried, which would serve her right. Outside my cage was a fish pond and would you believe a couple of cockerels strolling about! Well I endured my stay and actually it wasn't so bad, but that's a secret between you and me.;) However the fact that I have heard her making other plans for swanning off to see some boring friend in September, and then again for a ridiculous Keep Fit weekend in November is just too bad, and very selfish on her part.
What do you think I should do about this dreadful state of affairs Kahlua, I would appreciate your wise advice. ;)
Regards, Mr Cassius.

Dear Mr Cassius, GET A NEW MUM!!!
I am astounded that she left you in one of those "cattery" places while she was off enjoying herself. I imagine you must be traumatised by the experience. For her to even speak about doing it again is totally out of order and you must do everything possible to avoid this happening. I see that you have 3 options here. Your first option is to look for the telltale signs of when she's next going away and when the day before the dreaded departure, you need to wait till she's going down the stairs and then trip her up. She will probably break her leg which means she won't be able to go away. Your second option is to wait till the morning of departure and then run out the door, hide in your garage, she'll be frantic wondering where you are and spend hours and hours looking for you. When she eventually "finds" you, too much time will have passed and she won't be able to go away. Your third option is find a decent mum who doesn't go away ever, one who puts your needs before her own!

Hi Kahlua!
My name is Cola and I am a furbit of just 6 months! I have a problem and I think you are the only one to help! I have an utter fasination with door frames! The bedrooms, bathroom, well any door really! I run and jump at them and slide down on my claws! My mommy really does not enjoy this as we are renting an apartment and she will have to pay lots in damages! I can't seem to make myself stop but I love my mommy (even as a slave) and I HATE when she yells at me! This is the only wrong thing I do because I am perfect (as are all Siamese) but I do understand I need to stop. What can my mommy do? Please help Kahlua!
Cola

Dear Cola
I think you are right and you DO have a problem, and that problem is your mummy. How dare she yell at you. Doesn't she know that you are superior and she is only a slave. Next time she yells at you, you need to bite her, very hard!! Regarding the door frames, has your mummy bought you any scratch posts or activity play centres or cat furniture? If she hasn't, then she really needs to, she can even make her own (tell her to check out the Feline DIY section on this site. The reason you scratch the door frames is because you are bored and she doesn't give you enough stimulation so make sure she knows that she has to provide lots of activities for you. She can also go to the shop and buy some of the "spray stuff" that humans put on furniture that they don't want us to touch. It has a nasty smell and we stay away from it. This should solve the problem and make sure you don't let her yell at you ever again!

Dear Kahlua,
I have a problem with my mummy slave, i do hope you can help. Recently she has been poking fun at me with regards to my weight gain. She says that we should do something about it as i am developing "man boobs", whatever they are. The Dogs seem to know because whenever she says it to me, much hilarity ensues on their part (traitors). Even the young slave, usually my strongest ally finds amusement in this and joins in with the teasing. The mummy slave says i have two choices, either i can wear a "bra" or go on a "diet". Forgive my naivety Kahlua but what is bra and diet? Which one should i choose? I asked The Dogs and they said i should choose the bra, but they sniggered when they said it and i don't know if they are being truthful.
I do hope you can help, i'm at my wits end,
yours, "Anonymous"
(please do not print my real name, i cannot take any more humiliation!)

Dear Anonymous
I think first of all that I must tell you that your mummy is cruel and mean. She has no right to torment you or poke fun at you, particularly as your problem is something caused by her!! I think a good nip or scratch will put her back in her place. As for your dog slaves, well, who are THEY to poke fun at you. You really need to consider getting more exercise and going on a diet. You have to remember that you are a Siamese and if you are fat then you are lowering the standard for the rest of us Siams. Also, I would suggest asking one of the human slaves in your family to buy your mummy a cat care book because she is obviously useless at looking after your needs properly. If you are getting fat, it's her fault for feeding you so much! I guess she doesn't know what she's doing at all. You need to spend 2 hours of a morning and 2 of an evening chasing your dog slaves throughout the house and up and down the stairs and you really must stop eating so much. I am sure that if you do what I have suggested you are bound to be back to your sleek, beautiful self soon.

Jaffa from Birmingham writes: Dear Kahlua, My name is Jaffa and my slaves seem to love me very much and they certainly feed me very well. In the night I like to wake up my lady slave by treading on her head or nibbling her nose or chin as she is forever waking me up when I am asleep, the man slave I leave alone as he goes out at night and I sleep at his feet when he is in bed all day so he does not bother me, although sometimes I get bored and like to bite his feet through the covers but he never wakes up!

What bothers me is that I have heard the slaves talking about getting a new cat as thay want a full breed? Why is this? Am I not good enough? I boss them around as much as I can and they pander to my every need even the old slave buys me special milk for treats so why do they want another? How should I react as I am scared they will not pander to me all the time if there is two of us and I can feel I will have to show the new one who is boss, although I have heard that thay want a girl (now if only they hadnt taken me to that nasty vet!).

What should I do Kahlua

Please help me I am at a loss!

Jaffa

Dear Jaffa, I think you should stop worrying because it's very obvious to me that you have your slaves well trained already and you really need to look on the bright side of them bringing home a new cat. As for being not good enough, ALL cats are good enough regardless of what they are. Mind you, Siamese are always the most important and the best but that's just the way it goes and everyone knows that anyway. First of all, you already own the the house and the slaves and a new cat will be too busy trying to settle in to worry about trying to take your power off you. You will need to establish your authority with the new cat as soon as she comes into your house. So you will need to forget any male urges you may have and will have to be firm in your handling of her. Make sure she is aware that you take priority and she will have to follow your lead. Onto other good points, you will have someone new to play with because lets face it, humans aren't the most active creatures in the world and as for brains, well they are certainly the dumbest species! So there will be a new buddy who enjoys your games, one who can help you keep your slaves under control if they start rebelling. There will be extra food in the house because the slaves always worry that they don't feed us enough and with 2 of you there is even more food. Last but not least, on cold nights, you will have your own furry body to cuddle up with as opposed to those horrid creatures with skin and very little hair. So you see, your fears are ungrounded and this really will work out for the best.

By the way.............don't let your little trip to the vets stop you doing what comes naturally. Just because you can't make babies doesn't mean you can't still have loads of fun trying.

Mr Cassius from Cambridge writes: Dear Kahlua,
Thought I should tell someone about my latest problem as I am none too happy about the state of affairs!! Over the past few months I have been getting strange cats visiting my garden and they seem to be on the increase. So far I've counted at least 7 different breeds, including a Persian, A Burmese, A Tabby, A British Long Haired Black and White, and A Short-Haired Black kitten to name but a few. (Note...no Siamese.) Now, Mummy keeps telling everyone that she can-not understand why these cats are visiting and that she is concerned about my welfare. The truth of the matter is that this is her own fault for throwing out all manner of food for the birds. That includes cat food which I have decided not to eat, as well as meat etc she doesn't eat herself. I think it's a disgusting habit she's got into instead of putting it in the bin, and no wonder my garden is a haven for these intruding cats. It's no good her pretending that it doesn't happen any more because I've watched her and she did it a couple of days ago. I've tried eating the food off the grass where she throws it, but occasionally that has made me sick and Mum has told me I'm a naughty boy for not eating it from my dish! Until she cleans up her act I shall continue to disappear in pursuit of the trespassers and that will worry her even more. Do you think that is a good idea of mine Kahlua? Love Mr Cassy.

Dear Mr Cassius, you poor thing. Your owner obviously has some very big problems, to say nothing of disgusting habits!! I think you are right in continuing to disappear to make her worry. Perhaps it will wake her up to the fact that she isn't being a very good cat mum. You need to stop her throwing out all her left over food. That is what garbage bins are for and she should know that. Now if she wants to still feed the birds then she should use one of the bird thingies that either hang in trees or are on stands in the garden and put food on that. She should also find out who owns all these stray cats and then have words with their owners about keeping them in their own yard. Now if she was really concerned about keeping the garden for you only, then she would put a wire overhang around the whole garden. From what I understand she has a lot of time on her hands and could do this I'm sure. If she goes to take food outside then walk around her legs until you trip her up and she spills all the food in the house. If you do this every time she starts to take it outside, she will soon get the hint and stop feeding the strays.

Darren writes: Sheba a seal point at 11 yrs is wandering alot at night 3to 4 hours, bellowing to get out. this is very unusual as she has always enjoyed the indoors. Her coat is changing we are going in the winter. But we are at odd of her very odd behavior.

Dear Darren. This section here is for FELINES with problems, not HUMANS with problems. As we felines have far more problems with our humans than you do with us it is only fair that I make myself available to help them. If you think you have a problem with your feline......"as if".........then perhaps you could ask another human person for help.

Saphra from Victoria, Australia writes: Hiya Kahlua! My name is Saphra, and I am a seal point Siamese who has just turned 4 months old. I wonder if you can help me...for such a young cat, I have ENORMOUS feet. I am already pretty big for my age too, and my feet get me into some real strife. My mummy says I walk like Charlie Chaplin, with my feet out to the sides, and she calls me her dear little \"bumble-footed clown\" because I am pretty clumsy on such big clod-hoppers. They say cats always land on their feet, yet when I sail through the air chasing flies, I always land with a thud on my back! Do you think I will grow into these feet of mine? Purrs to you, Saph.

Dear Saphra. First thing's first, your mother has no right to be calling you such horrible things and she should be quite ashamed of herself! You may have big feet but at least you are gorgeous because you are a Siamese. I imagine your mother couldn't say the same thing for herself! Now you really shouldn't worry about the size of your feet because you still are only a baby and your body will soon grow to match your feet and you will be all in proportion. As for the clumsiness, that is only because your body hasn't caught up with your feet yet but when it does you will be as graceful as I am. Give it time, within a few months and you'll soon see I'm right. And next time your mother is so rude to you, nip her on the ear and remind her who's the boss!

Simba from Newtown Abbey writes: Hi im new here I learnt your address from my new playmate Pippen.She said you could help I hope you can.For starters my mummys other kids chase me around the house and when i jump on my mummy she makes weird noises is she disiesed? i lay my faith in you please help all my love stinky Simba.

Hello Simba. I think I can help you sort out your problem. It's only natural that your mummy's other kids chase you but you need to stand up for yourself. You might be a newbie but that doesn't mean you should let them boss you about. When they chase you, turn around and chase them or pull horrible faces at them. That should scare them. As for your mummy making weird noises, she isn't really diseased, although she does tell fibs, it's just her way of telling you how much she loves you and loves having you jump on her. You should actually do it more often and it's also a good way of amusing yourself by listening to her make these noises. Also, whilever you are jumping on your mummy, the other kids won't be chasing you.

PIPPEN from Newtown Abbey writes:
Hrruummph!Kitten!Bluepoint!All a tall tale!She actually bought a 3 year old Lilacpoint!Help he`s stealing all my food and I don`t know what to do!Can you help i hope you can as he is bigger than me.well he is pretty cute and he can be affectionate.he only kicks my butt once a day instead of all day so an improvement there .but major major problem has to be when he uses the litter tray the whole house has to be evacuated scrub that make that the whole street has to flee with horror .do you know of any one that makes kitty size gasmasks or do you know of any other ways me and my mummy can help him.it got so bad last week me and my mummy dived for cover under the duvet and didnt come out until the pollution levels dropped.poor wee criter thought we were playing hide and seek and we hadnt the heart to tel him otherwise.please help as that is his only downfall. many thanx from pip the disgusted.

Hi again Pippen. It sounds like your mum has lied to you about your new housemate. I hope you have had serious words with her about this. First of all you have to stop being such a wuiss. Don't let him kick your butt at all! Not even once a day. You were there first and you have to kick his butt, not the other way around. As for his smells, I do sympathise. I don't think you should tell him though as it would hurt his feelings but your mummy really needs to do something about this. If it happens all the time, maybe she should change his diet I think. Although if you eat the same food as him and if you don't smell then maybe she should take him to a doctor. Your mummy should also stand by the tray so that as soon as he's dropped his offending bundle she should remove it straight away, because it's her fault this is happening, she brought him into the house so tell her to sort it out or you might have to consider finding a better mum who doesn't lie to you.

Guinevere from Wash., DC writes:
I have a habit of eating those delicious-looking flowers when they are on display on the counter. I find nothing wrong with this, but my owners seem to. What can my demanding owners do to keep me away from these tempting snacks?

Hi Guinevere. The problem is with your owners, and not with you. It's only natural for you eat delicious flowers on the counter. Your owners obviously aren't very clever because if they don't want you to eat them they should take them away where you can't reach them. Also, I would be worried that they aren't feeding you enough and that's why you are eating the flowers. Tell them not to be so stingy and to give you more food.

Jagger and Jerry from London write:
Dear Kahlua.
We are glad to find your site as our mummy has been very worried lately. The thing is: we live in a flat in London but mummy told us we are moving to Brazil. She said we are moving into a house with garden and therefore life will be more fun but the long journey -15 hours to the actual new house- is the big problem. They informed mom that we must go in the passenger\'s cabin and in separate cages. We neither like cages or being kept a part and that might cause us to cry during the whole flight. We also want to know if she should put food and water in our cage. And what about our toilette?. We look forward for your wise advice. Jagger and Jerry

Dear Jagger and Jerry. You are lucky cats to have a mummy who is getting a new house with a garden just for you. Even though there will be a long journey there, think of all the exciting new days ahead once you arrive. I think that you will have to go in cages because it will be much safer for you. Aeroplanes are very big and if you were roaming free on them you would get lost and then mummy would never find you. I do think it's best that you should go on a cage and it's not really for that long. What you should do is the day before you're ready to leave, stay awake and play all day so that when the time comes to go on the aeroplane you will be so exhausted that you'll sleep the whole time and will be there before you know it. (that will also solve the toilet problem) As for food and water, you will have to get your mummy to ask the aeroplane people if you're allowed to have it in your cage with you. It will all depend on them. I think you need to stop worrying about the trip and start planning your fun new adventures when you get there.

Pauley from Texas writes:
Dear Kahlua, I have a 8 month siamese cat, she is a cutie the only problem she has is getting very frustrating. My cat Suzie is always in the house, I have a 2 storie house. Well let me get to the point, my cat is shedding a lot of fur! I don't know why, or what I can do to help her out . My carpet seems to always be full of fur, everyday even though we vacuum it. Please give me an idea of what I can do to help my poor cat, please, Kahlua. Thank you for ur help.

Hi Pauley, I'm afraid that I don't answer human questions. I only answer questions that come from cats. We cats have a lot of problems that you humans don't know about so cats write to me telling me about their problems with humans....not the other way round. However, a good tip is to make sure you brush your cat on a daily basis with a comb as this will help remove dead hair and she won't shed as much.

PIPPEN from Newtown Abbey writes:
Dear Kahlua, I hope you all had a great Christmas I did. Well that is until mummy told me that she is going to get another kitten in the next few months. What I am worried about is I am a sassy seal point and mum wants to get a blue point male are we going to be suited to each other and what can I do to make sure my mummy loves me just as much .I don't know what to do i have so many questions in my head, like what if he takes over my bed,what if he uses my litter tray i mean come on is that sanitary and what if he eats my food as well as mine. He might you know I heard my mummy say he was going to be a big fella. I love my mummy so much and I have such a nice home and all and I would hate to leave. I know you will help as you have always been there when I needed you. Worriedly yours the pipster.

Hi Pippin, I think you will find in the end that your fears are groundless. For a number of reasons. Firstly, at least your mum has the good sense to get another Siamese....imagine if she had brought a Persian!!! So as your new friend will be Siamese, you are bound to get on. The fact that he will be a blue point will be a lovely contrast to your beautiful seal colour but as you and he will probably now be the best looking people in the house, it might be worthwhile asking your mum to start buying new furniture and ornament to colour coordinate with your own coats. With two of you it will be an absolute necessity that your attributes are best shown off by the right decor. Now your mummy is going to love you just as much as this new boy, probably more so, because she will be worried that you might feel left out and I can guarantee that she will be giving you loads of extra attention when he arrives. You won't need to worry about him eating your food because if he is a kitten, then he will be fed lots and lots of small meals during the day, which means, you will also get more because your mummy would feel bad if she gave him lots and still gave you only your normal amount. So in reality, you will be eating a lot better once he arrives. As for the "hygiene" part of it.........your mummy loves you so much that she wouldn't be bringing in a new kitten unless he came from a really great, healthy home. So he should have no diseases at all and there will be no problems with him sharing your litter tray. Also, your tray will be much cleaner now as well because your mum will have to clear it out heaps more often now that there will be two of you. You also shouldn't worry about him taking over your bed because after all, it's much cozier and much warmer to be sharing your bed with another Siamese. They are so much better than sharing with humans because humans have no fur. Imagine, on a chilly winters day, where the outside is covered in snow.........you will be indoors where it's warm, curled up with your new house mate and he will keep you incredibly warm and snug. So you see, I don't think you have anything at all to worry about.

Pippin from Newtownabbey writes:
Dear Kahlua, Many thanks for your great advice. Ii no longer pinch out of the bin, I pinch it from the fridge instead and you are right it is much fresher. As for the bed thing my mum just bought me a bed that hangs on the radiator so i am as warm as toast. Ii do have one more question though. What are the little furry squeaky things that run round the floor and make my mama scream. And also whose job is it to catch them hers or mine.

Hi again Pippin. I'm so pleased that your bed and food problems are now sorted out. Obviously you have a very trainable mum which is great. It will make your job as Ruler of the House much easier. The furry squeak things you are talking about must be mice. Your mum is obviously a bit of a wuiss if they scare her. After all, it's not like they're big or bite or anything. Now most "ordinary" cats will catch mice, indeed they even eat them. Now special cats like Siamese are different. There is nothing wrong with you catching the mice if that's what you want. After all, even though we are special, we still enjoy hunting games. The thing to remember though is to only chase them if you feel like doing it. You can't just chase it because it is scaring your mummy and she wants you to. The whole point of being special is making sure that you don't do what anyone else tells you. So there's nothing undignified in chasing mice, it's just another fun game.